Dearest You..

          It's been 5 years since I met you. You're just a stranger to me, and yet I chose you, hoping that I will be able to love you. I saw your ravishing beauty that makes me delighted in you. Until I face the hardships you brought in my life; those sleepless nights, less social life, headache every time I encounter problems with you, even nightmares; its as if my magnificent world turned to be a malediction. Did I made a wrong decision? I thought my best is enough, I thought I'm enough, but I realized, everything is just a pedantic act, an illusion and in reality, I really know nothing. Stringent paths confused me, and fear beseeched me to give up. Remember the day you first fail me? I'm so disappointed to myself, "what ifs" and "why me" questions occured in my head, I'm so desperate to dissipate you out of my life, but there's only one thing that continually urge me to go on, fate. I believe in the fate that I have in you. I believe in us, as I believe in the plan of the Lord. Time passed by, bewilderment slowly ceased, and faith grows in me. Though failures made our journey tedious, passion make haste of the future and counter-balancing the emotion. Those things I experienced with you, smear my heart with something I can never forget, joy. Despite of the challenges that almost knocked me down, you taught me to be strong and hope for greater things that will come our way, inculcating that everything is for my betterment. Though I don't understand this, your faith makes me stay and loving you even more. We're not yet done, and now, I realized, you're really at my side, and we will fight together. And having that in mind and in heart, being with you is one of the greatest blessing I ever had and have.. See you soonest! :-)

From Falling to Calling

It's been a year now since I returned home. Finishing college is not as easy as I thought it would during my grade's school. I'm not as smart as I thought I am then too. But I enjoyed it, though failure became my companion, I learnt from it. I just accepted the fact that it's another recipe for success just like spices to food, not a requirement, but will surely make it more tasteful and exciting. After graduating from a well-known University, I had a hard time finding a job. I tried applying in the city, but everytime I am called for another interview, either I felt so sick or I felt not so right to go on, so I don't. Maybe it's a discernment something bad would happen, or I will just waste my time because I would not be accepted, or just one way of God saying that it is not His will. So I went home. We lived in rural area, surrounded by mountains, right beside a beautiful lake. Unlike in the city, fresh air and good water abounds in our field.  The warmth of the sun rays brings forth a smile to every woman who do their laundry. Green plants, colorful flowers and pretty butterflies surround every home. Tall and mid-size trees cover the land from the bright light of the sun and bring shades to every one that passes them by. I wonder how much more beauty does the garden of Eden posseses, if this town is of no comparison to that holy garden. But what makes me proud of about this little town? It's its people. Their smiles that bring comfort, their caress that smear your heart with gladness, and their simple dreams that will taught you the simplicity, but deeper meaning of life. During my college days, my thought were only focused on few things: get a degree, pass the CPA board exam, work in an auditing firm, and be wealthy to spoil my family. There is of course another side of the coin and that is to grow more in the Lord. Yes, that's right, I'm a Christian. I thought I am, not until the opposite of my perfect plans prevailed. I failed. I know it's my fault, but if I keep on blaming myself rather than forgiving, I can't moved on. It will just choke me to that very place, and hopelessly living for nothing. It's actually a choice between living with trust in God or dying. And because I am surrounded with Godly people, I chose the first one. And I'm grateful that the Lord forgave me for not bringing Him the best offering I could in my study. A reflection of Cain and Abel's story. I became bitter like Cain, envy others, hated the world and wanting revenge for my self by being fruitful in the future. But those emotions doesn't came from the Lord, it came from the enemy. Indeed, God is patient, He didn't allow me to ended up like Cain. He gave me a choice just like what He did to Cain, but He gave me the wisdom to choose what is right through Christ.

"Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it." (Genesis 4:6-7) 

After crying hard to the Lord, peace filled my heart. People thought then that I'm a strong person, hmm, if only they knew... A couple of months later, I went home.

Staying in the city for almost 5 years changed my perspective about life and happiness; I dreamt bigger, bolder, and better, where simplicity is not an option, but a regret. It's a hasty generalization to say that every people in the city lived in that way, it can be just some of us, or just me. So when I came back to our town, I am reminded that joy can't be found in knowing the complicacy of the earth, nor in bringing a perfect invention in technology, nor solving the world's greatest mystery; but in every simple things the Lord created such as a beautiful flower, the radiant smile of the sun, the touchy breeze of the wind, or just your relationship to the Lord that brings joy directly from the heart of God. A joy that doesn't depend on how high your position in a company is, how much your salary is, how many times you've been eating in a well-mannered restaurant every week, how many beautiful places you've been travelling to, nor how many checks you're bucket lists had been.

Now I learnt better that life isn't what you get from the world, it is what you give to the world that makes it a better place. And as the breath of the Lord continually passes through my nostrils, I will not stop dreaming and trusting God that someday, I will find my God-given purpose in His time. Right now, I'm helping my mom with our family business. The only thing I envision today about what will I be in the future is my childhood dream.. becoming a teacher.

#LgLG

Letting go, I think is one of the hardest lesson that every human being must learn in life. Letting go of something you are so used to that when it's gone, it leaves a missing piece in your life; or may be a person who hurt you, an experience you feel so shameful of, or your past that hunts you and keeps you from moving toward your future's promise. There are pros and cons on letting go; it maybe hard with different degrees, but is commonly helpful in making us a better person.

Every day of our lives we need to let go, settling can't be our option, unless we can stop earth's rotation and revolution. There would come a time that when we are in the peak of our happiness we wanted to freeze the moment, but we know it's impossible (though nothing is really impossible). We let go of every seconds passing by simply because we can't take hold of it, but we rely on the feeling we had had then. And that feeling take a different state of letting go. Another thing is letting go of our past. This is where people commits common mistake. We know we must learn to let go the past that hurt us, and learn from it. That's right, but not definitely true. Because we must also learn to let go EVERYTHING in our past; good or bad things, excellence or failure, insecurities or expectations, etc. (P.S. letting go is different from forgetting. You can let go and forget at the same time, but you can't forget alone). So to cut to the chase, le'me tell you my story..

I'd faced a lot of situation where I am taught to let go, and do it bravely. First on the list, excellence. I'd been a consistent honor student since preschool to high school, but when I came to college, everything had changed. In fact, opposite happened. I thought I could be able to excel again because I had made it before, but when I failed I realized that history doesn't repeat itself, but we must become better everyday so we will be at our best in the future. In layman's term, IBA NOON, IBA NGAYON. It's not that it is more difficult, but it is more of handling things rightly, and letting go of my excellence in the past so I can receive excellence of today. Learnings will always be there, but focusing on the past excellence will just hinder your best effort to excel again. The key to excellence: move on! 

Philippians 3:13 (ESV)

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead 

Second on the list, failure. When I first failed in my study it's a big deal to me! I felt so disappointed with myself, more so, afraid of going on again. I thought when I'm done crying, things will be the same again, and the cheerful me will come to life again. But it never happened then. The brokenness I felt hunts me every time I come to bed at night, every time I'm alone and every time I close my eyes. Then my heart became immune with the hurt and no longer recognize pain anymore. Because I didn't let it go, failure multiplied itself like a pathogen. It took me a year or two before I completely understand how to let go of my failures. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

Thirdly, people. I'm not a best friend type of person, or someone that can be easily go along with, but when I consider one as friend, I would take him/her by heart. I don't believe in the saying "people come and people go", because I believe that when they come, it's up to you if you'll keep them in your life. And letting them go doesn't exist in my encyclopedia of life, until experience taught me that sometimes it's better to let go people than keeping them selfishly.

Proverbs 13:20 (MSG)  

20 Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces. 

2 Peter 3:17 (ESV)  

17 Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position 

Matthew 10:16 (ESV) 

 16 Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. 

Fourth, dreams.. Every people have their own dreams and reasons of dreaming it. Life without a dream is not life anymore, it's death. But sometimes, we create in our own mind what we wanted in the future, without really knowing the purpose of our existence in this world. Dreaming outside our purpose will lead us in disappointment, worst case, destruction. As the bible so declares in Proverbs 14:12 and Proverbs 16:25

Proverbs 14:12 (ESV)

12 Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

    but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Proverbs 16:25 (ESV)

25 There is a way that seems right to a man,

    but its end is the way to death.

The last on my list is my life.. It seems unusual to say that you have to learn how to let go of your life in order to move freely, but it's not a fallacy. Sometimes we take our lives seriously; we planned, we decide, we survive. We take it too seriously that we fear death. Letting go of our life doesn't mean welcoming death, it means living our today for eternity's sake, living not for our self, but for God's glory. As Paul said..

Philippians 1:21 (ESV) 

 21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

So that's it! We can't expect the world to give us everything or to help us hold on to something that we wanted for life, sometimes letting go is necessary for us to move on, letting go of unnecessary baggage so we can enjoy travelling in the journey of life. But don't forget to bring with you these three: FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.. Adios!

Love and Sacrifice

"Sacrifice may be painful, but is always gainful; especially when you do it out of love."

Sacrifice is painful in a way that you surrender a part of your self, or something that you really love, or someone who had touched your heart in a very special way. Gainful, because it will lead you to a wonderful place that you've never been before, a feeling of peace that you've never felt before, and somehow feeling the bucket of pain with joy and gladness in heart. Maybe the pain is worthy especially when you know that it is for the betterment of other people, or to at least save them from disparagement or jeopardy. But this isn't the point where love starts to dwindle. Because love is immeasurable, unending and unfading. It always exist even in furtive. The best example is the love and sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. He spend the rest of His earthly life with His disciples. (John 13) He gave them cautions, washed their feet, ate and drank with them.. and even to the last hour, He showed them love and taught them how to love people.

What would you feel if you have to say goodbye to the people or person you really love? Dude, the Lord felt it too! How about His disciples? What would you feel if you have to give up your only hope, and be separated to the one who became your life? That after all the sacrifice you have done, after giving up all the things you have and nothing to return to, now, you have to say goodbye? So contradicting, so baffling, so ironic! This is a paradox of life and death. What the disciples do not know is that in death, there is life; in goodbye, there is hope; and in separation, there is a bridge.. A bridge of earth to heaven, a bridge of sinners to forgiveness, a bridge of unrighteousness to holliness. And that bridge is Christ. In His death, the gospel was revealed to the whole world, and the children of God was made known. Jesus Christ made the greatest sacrifice, because of the greatness of His love. That love is worth emulating.

Now, think of the most sacrificial moment of your life. Painful, isn't it? It may be quite painful, or so much painful, but it brought you to where you are now and it is no less important. You may still ask where is the peace that I'm talking about. So let me ask you a question first, why did you do it? Because you are offended? Bitter? Or because love taught you to do it? As 1Corinthians 13:3 declares, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." Everything we do without love means nothing.. So brethren, don't lose neither your faith nor your hope. Love endures forever, it will leads you to your God-given destiny.

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." -John 12:24