It's been a year now since I returned home. Finishing college is not as easy as I thought it would during my grade's school. I'm not as smart as I thought I am then too. But I enjoyed it, though failure became my companion, I learnt from it. I just accepted the fact that it's another recipe for success just like spices to food, not a requirement, but will surely make it more tasteful and exciting. After graduating from a well-known University, I had a hard time finding a job. I tried applying in the city, but everytime I am called for another interview, either I felt so sick or I felt not so right to go on, so I don't. Maybe it's a discernment something bad would happen, or I will just waste my time because I would not be accepted, or just one way of God saying that it is not His will. So I went home. We lived in rural area, surrounded by mountains, right beside a beautiful lake. Unlike in the city, fresh air and good water abounds in our field. The warmth of the sun rays brings forth a smile to every woman who do their laundry. Green plants, colorful flowers and pretty butterflies surround every home. Tall and mid-size trees cover the land from the bright light of the sun and bring shades to every one that passes them by. I wonder how much more beauty does the garden of Eden posseses, if this town is of no comparison to that holy garden. But what makes me proud of about this little town? It's its people. Their smiles that bring comfort, their caress that smear your heart with gladness, and their simple dreams that will taught you the simplicity, but deeper meaning of life. During my college days, my thought were only focused on few things: get a degree, pass the CPA board exam, work in an auditing firm, and be wealthy to spoil my family. There is of course another side of the coin and that is to grow more in the Lord. Yes, that's right, I'm a Christian. I thought I am, not until the opposite of my perfect plans prevailed. I failed. I know it's my fault, but if I keep on blaming myself rather than forgiving, I can't moved on. It will just choke me to that very place, and hopelessly living for nothing. It's actually a choice between living with trust in God or dying. And because I am surrounded with Godly people, I chose the first one. And I'm grateful that the Lord forgave me for not bringing Him the best offering I could in my study. A reflection of Cain and Abel's story. I became bitter like Cain, envy others, hated the world and wanting revenge for my self by being fruitful in the future. But those emotions doesn't came from the Lord, it came from the enemy. Indeed, God is patient, He didn't allow me to ended up like Cain. He gave me a choice just like what He did to Cain, but He gave me the wisdom to choose what is right through Christ.
"Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it." (Genesis 4:6-7)
After crying hard to the Lord, peace filled my heart. People thought then that I'm a strong person, hmm, if only they knew... A couple of months later, I went home.
Staying in the city for almost 5 years changed my perspective about life and happiness; I dreamt bigger, bolder, and better, where simplicity is not an option, but a regret. It's a hasty generalization to say that every people in the city lived in that way, it can be just some of us, or just me. So when I came back to our town, I am reminded that joy can't be found in knowing the complicacy of the earth, nor in bringing a perfect invention in technology, nor solving the world's greatest mystery; but in every simple things the Lord created such as a beautiful flower, the radiant smile of the sun, the touchy breeze of the wind, or just your relationship to the Lord that brings joy directly from the heart of God. A joy that doesn't depend on how high your position in a company is, how much your salary is, how many times you've been eating in a well-mannered restaurant every week, how many beautiful places you've been travelling to, nor how many checks you're bucket lists had been.
Now I learnt better that life isn't what you get from the world, it is what you give to the world that makes it a better place. And as the breath of the Lord continually passes through my nostrils, I will not stop dreaming and trusting God that someday, I will find my God-given purpose in His time. Right now, I'm helping my mom with our family business. The only thing I envision today about what will I be in the future is my childhood dream.. becoming a teacher.
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